Adventures in the Motherland

-whelmed.

2007-12-30T06:25:00.000-08:00

Been in Shanghai for the past few days. Had very limited internet access there. So blogging was not possible. So i resorted to... writing? here's a page:

Written on Nanjing Lu, Shanghai

2007-12-25T04:11:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from the Motherland.

I call him... Asian Clause

Self Inflicted Blindness

2007-12-21T05:20:00.000-08:00

the beggar on the street. His chattering from the cold rustled his blanket made of plastic bags violently.

Sometimes I don't know what to think of poverty in Chinese cities. It is (or was) true that a lot of the beggars are actually richer than some people that actually work- they make more money begging than others who actually have jobs. I've seen some of the beggars get huge bills and then put them in a special pocket away from their main begging bowl so that they can hide the big bills and receive more pity from people (who would want to give to somebody who already has bills overflowing in his begging cup?)

But sometimes I wonder how far the show can go. They do a pretty good job at breaking my heart. But then I am forced to keep walking.

I try to never look them in the eye. And in doing that, I make them less human. I successfully dehumanize each time I walk by a beggar... the one shivering in plastic bags, the one with no legs, the blind one, the shivering mother with her child in her lap as she desperately bows her head to each passerby.

I was complaining earlier that in Beijing I hardly see any beggars. Perhaps I am no different from the government- even if they didn't hide the beggars, I would hide from them in my mind and consciousness... more than consciousness... my conscience?

But are they just using my conscience to make money? Should I really care if they are just trying to make money off of me?

Lost

2007-12-19T23:13:00.000-08:00

It's been 8 or 9 years since i've last been in Beijing. It is so different now. I don't understand it.

i was looking for a touristy market and ended up in some rich district of beijing where all the rich people live. It was empty. Lifeless. disturbingly sanitary. It was interesting how easy it was to find a starbucks (which has free wireless in China).

I once said that China was in a unique window of time in between the openness of its society and the settling of society into the selfish makings of capitalist society. I think that window of oppurtunity is closed. It's really hard to articulate, but the feeling is there.

The consumerism... okay, so I know- consumerism isn't all bad. I've struggled with this a lot. But honestly, even though I am the product and imposer of a consumer system (for example, I am sitting at a starbucks right now, enjoying free internet on my apple computer), I hate how it can change people or a place.

This isn't the Beijing I knew. But I guess I can't stop change and the insatiable desire of all Asian societies to be more like the west. Affluence is the goal, and it is somehow the betterment of society to achieve affluence.

But i can't help but think about all the people made invisible in China. Where are all the beggars? The handicapped that I once saw squatting in the subways all the time? Even the common workers seem to be invisible and unseen. I don't think Beijing has solved its poverty problem. I think it has just hidden it. Hiding it for some utopian dream of what the Olympics will do to make them matter in the world.

I feel disconcerted. The China I knew is gone. The most disturbing of disturbing feelings that I have right now is this: I don't feel like I have left America.

Arrival

2007-12-18T06:08:00.000-08:00

After a long flight and 4 movies, we have touched down in Beijing and have eaten hot pot and are about to fall asleep in exhaustion. Hopefully i will have a good stomach.

2 long years

2007-12-15T22:37:00.000-08:00

2 long years since I have last been to China. In some ways, my vision has changed for China, but in many ways, the passions remain. My career is totally irrelevant to China these days... well... maybe not totally irrelevant. I am in contact with several international students from China now due to my job. I'm sure my passion for China and my passion for college students will somehow fit together someday. But for now, I shouldn't let myself get distracted from the present. (but really, i'm easily distracted...)

This is the first time I am going to China not doing Dad's business for a long time. Our priorities (in order) are:

1. food
2. drink
3. shop

But I can't help but think there are other reasons I will be in my motherland that just haven't presented themselves to me. I really want to have a break from Dad's business... it is now my job- but at the same time- who really gets a break? Dad surely doesn't go on vacation at all. We'll have to see how this all pans out.

But 2 long years...

I do miss the smell. I miss the language. I miss looking like everyone around me. I miss realizing I'm a dumb american. I miss the joys of finding a food stand that I like that I keep returning to. I miss...

I miss the people too. That's actually what I miss the most. But it's not the same because I won't see the same people again. One day I hope to return to LSV. One day I'll be able to see the kids again, except grown up. One day...

You know, I'm visiting all the metropolitan sites of China... but there really is nothing like the country side and hanging out with real people, not just tourism showcases.

Anyhow... I'm not sure what to expect... actually, truthfully I am scared to expect anything. One thing I know I can expect is cold weather. and that's it. However, I really want to enjoy this vacation. man. vacation is so complicated in my head sometimes. I just need to relax, but i'm scared my heart won't let me. i come back from china with a broken heart each time. This country breaks my heart.

Well, the plan will be:

18th-21st: Beijing
21st-26th: Qingdao
26th-30th: Shanghai
31st: Magically reappear back in the states with a new haircut, wardrobe, presents, a few pounds gained from eating, a few pounds lost from food poisoning and a well-practiced ability to speak mandarin

Asian-American Identity Formation

2007-01-02T16:10:00.000-08:00

Introduction
Identity in the contemporary globalized context is seen through a lens of increasing insecurity as the functions of modern notions of identity formed through nationhood have become exposed and questioned. The exposure of the instability of identity has caused a dual response in which either individual identity has become sublimated in the name of global equality through consumerism or has become defensive and entrenched in an extreme fundamentalism and primordialism. These dual responses have not yet allowed for the reformation of identity in the context of a globalized world; on the contrary, these responses have served to create increased rift and conflict within communities and individuals. Within the chaos of a postnational identity crisis is produced the exposure of the hybridized nature of identity. One of the groups of people where this exposure is evident is within diaspora populations such as Asian-Americans, in which their identity is no longer of monadic nature, but instead has taken up a multi-sourced nature- in the case of Asian-Americans, the source of their identity is found within their country of origin and their host country, America.
In the midst of this environment of identity confusion, much as concepts of identity based on nationhood have proven impotent, so have the strategies of nations to not only form, but to mobilize individuals and communities. Dreams of a new kind of perception of the individual and community must be formed along with corresponding strategies to achieve those dreams in the light of this global insecurity. This paper will focus on the development of a identity within the context of Asian-American identity with the intent of creating a new perception of identity that can be effectively mobilized to social action in the midst of contemporary global society. Even further, the creation of this perception of identity can be formed into a template for the formation of identity in hybridized subjects in this age of increasing identity insecurity.
Identity Insecurity
Cultural policy in its present state is in crisis. Cultural policy is the institutional effort by governments to form the identity and culture of their citizenry. Its current impotency, according to Miller and Yudice in their book, Cultural Policy, is that the identity of the global subject is in conflict between the identities of the citizen and the consumer . This represents a conflict of authority between the nation and the market that is evident with the rise of neoliberal society. Neoliberalism, along with the advent of postmodernism and postcolonialism in the current culture has exposed that the notion of a singular national identity is but an illusion. This creates a challenge and crisis in cultural policy because the authority to create identity is no longer simply in one nation, or even in the concept of nationhood itself, as seen with consumerism, in which identity is not centered around national identity, but on individual choices in consumption. Cultural policy’s inadequacy to engage identity in this context has left a void and insecurity in the area of identity formation in the context of an increasingly connected global society.
The response to this insecurity has been a dual response. On one hand, the lack of identity affirmation has caused some to overcompensate with extreme fundamentalism and primordialism to maintain a sense of singular identity . Under this type of response, policy is formed that reinforces exclusion by dictating who in society is “in” and who is “out”. The accompanying response is an opposite notion of individualism in which group identity is sublimated in a utopian dream of individual equality through consumption. The former response is an ugly patriotism and the latter is a sublimation of all identity in the name of equality. Both of these responses are inadequate to engage the changing global landscape of identity formation and the creation of constructive uses of identity in contemporary global society.
This dichotomous split between fundamentalism and individualism is really a split between the citizen and consumer that Miller and Yudice had mentioned earlier. In an attempt to reconcile this split, Nestor Canclini suggests that the split is really just an illusion. In fact, he suggests that these are not separate entities but one in the same, in that the role of the citizen and its agency has remained intact within the identity of the consumer. Canclini argues that the democratic citizen’s agency and ability to choose leaders is still intact within the identity of the consumer, in that the consumer has the ability to choose what he or she consumes . This, however, is a limited vision because it ignores the very inequalities that consumerism must construct in order to exist. What kind of voice do those who cannot consume have? If they do not have the ability to consume, what kind of agency will they have? Canclini’s vision of a civil consumerism fails in that consumerism is not a catalyst towards increased choice; rather it is an obstacle to agency and choice. Therefore, Canclini’s solution to this dichotomy is more of a way to mask the inadequacies of consumerism rather than a solution to the tension between the citizen and consumer.
The solution, therefore would not be the compromise suggested by Canclini between these two, but the creation of a genuinely hybridized kind of identity in the midst of this tension. Manuel Castells recognizes this tension between primordial fundamentalism and individualism in the context of his “network society” perception of contemporary global society as a tension between legitimizing identities and resistance identities, and suggests the creation of a new kind of identity called the project identity . The legitimizing identity is an identity that is associated with assimilation with the dominant institutions of society, while the resistance identity is the reaction to this kind of identity by those marginalized by dominant society, and is based on a defensive stance to protect that marginalized identity from being overtaken by dominant, legitimizing identities. Castells suggests the emergence of the project identity, in which “social actors, on the basis of whichever cultural materials are available to them, build a new identity that redefines their position in society and, by so doing, seek the transformation of overall social structure”. This takes on the transformative properties of the legitimizing identity while simultaneously taking hold of the affirmation of individual identity found in resistance identity.
Can social action and activism still be constructive and effective in the context of the decentralized subject? What changes must occur in the way cultural policy is formed in order to inspire such action? Neither of the extreme responses to the insecurity of identity in contemporary global society brings about a constructive effect. On the one hand, the response of fundamentalism creates responses that only benefit one group of people and fosters conflict as more groups cling stubbornly to fundamentalism. On the other hand, the individualistic dream of equality in neo-liberalism is simply a dream in that equality is not achieved; rather, inequality is justified as the fault of the individual, ignoring and masking the larger systems of poverty and discrimination that go beyond simply the individual. It is imperative that the insecurity in the notion of singular-identity that has formed both of these responses is redirected into responses of brotherhood and affirmation. The challenge, then, is to find a way to achieve the dreams of both fundamentalism and neo-liberalism, in which a sense of belonging can be pursued alongside a pursuit of equality- a simultaneous pursuit of community transformation and individual identity transformation, in pursuit of Manuel Castell’s vision of “project identity”.
Asian American Identity
Although one can usually side with one of these responses to mask the insecurity, the exposure of this insecurity has become unable to be masked in a growing group of people with hybridized identities, such as people with biracial descent and diaspora populations. There is nothing to hide or mute the tension of identity. These identities represent the undermined state of national identity, because there is no fundamental root to their identities.
In diaspora identities specifically, the diasporic subject has two sources of identity- that of its “mother country” and of the host country. This is seen poignantly in Asian-American identity. In the host country, the cultural construct of ethnicity is seen as the definer of the Asian-American’s identity. When the Asian-American is in his or her “mother country”, what is seen is the culturally constructed American identity. In both contexts, the Asian-American cannot firmly be on the inside or the outside, in that he or she can never firmly fit in all the standards of who is “in” or “out” in any national context. This creates the abstract locality of Asian America. This abstract locality is an introjection of a notion of Asia into the notion of the nation of America , which exposes the abstractness and arbitrariness of both the notion of Asia and America. It questions the absolutism in physical borders suggested by the notion of the nation because the sovereignty of Asian national identities such as Korean or Chinese identity remains even within the physical borders of America. Even the absolutism of the notion of the mother country is exposed as simply another cultural construct. For example, Chinese identity itself is a very modern construct that tries to give a singular identity to a very diverse population within physical borders , exposing the illusion of an absolute identity even within the context of the mother country. The inability to categorize Asian America in the standards of nationhood shows that Asian-American identity is a model of global, decentralized identity and challenges modern notions of nation and identity.
Thus, Asian-American identity is an effective place to model what cultural policy must look like in the context of global society, because Asian-Americans do not cleanly fit into the matrix of Castell’s legitimizing identity or resistance identity. They have the characteristics of both identities: the need to assimilate imposed by legitimizing identity and the fundamentalism that translates to ties to the “mother country” found within the complex of the resistance identity. Therefore, the Asian-American identity is a potential platform from which a project identity can be formed. Whatever understanding wrought from cultural policy concerning the formation of Asian-American identity exposes broader concepts and themes that are vital to the formation of cultural policy and how those policies can be used to constructively transform society. The goal of such policy must be to simultaneously affirm the individual identity of Asian-Americans and transform the contextual society that surrounds Asian-Americans. Thus, it is not destroying the concept of who is “in” and “out”. Instead, it is destroying the hierarchy that dictates that those that are “in” are above those that are “out”. The goal would be to find policies that simultaneously create a space for Asian-American identity formation and for the constructive transformation of others.
A Template For Asian-American Project Identity Formation: Intervaristy Christian Fellwoship
I will focus specifically at the cultural policies of the UCSD chapter of Intervarsity Christian Fellowship/USA. Intervarsity is a national Christian non-profit organization that works with college students. It operates as a “parachurch”, which works alongside churches to engage students in college campuses more effectively. It currently has over 1,000 staff and serves more than 34,000 students. Intervarsity USA was established in 1940 by a partnership of Americans and Canadians.
History of Engagement with Ethnicity
Intervarsity is inter-denominational and in its purpose statement, strives to:
establish and advance at colleges and universities
witnessing communities of students and faculty
who follow Jesus as Savior and Lord:
growing in love for God,
God's Word,
God's people of every ethnicity and culture
and God's purposes in the world.
As stated in its purpose statement, Intervarsity has historically pursued the formation of communities “of every ethnicity and culture”. In its early history, Intervarsity had been very active in the area of racial reconciliation between whites and blacks. One of the commonly told stories was of a bible study in 1945 at a trustee’s house. The bible study leader brought in some black students, and the trustee refused to let them in. The bible study leader refused to refuse the black students. The trustee eventually complained to the board about this. The board decided unanimously against the trustee and banned segregation from any of their events with a commitment to bring unity to the body of Christ . In the 1960’s, Intervarsity integrated their chapter camps in the South. In their tri-annual national conference in 1970, they were the first organization to have a black man, Tom Skinner, as one of its main speakers, and more recently had the first Native American to be a main speaker at a Christian conference in 2003.
However, in most of its history, Intervarsity had not been known for engaging the Asian American population until the 1980’s. It was during the 1980’s in which the population of Asian-Americans exploded on the college campuses. From 1984 to 1994, the national percentage of Asian-American students jumped from 3% to 6%, bringing the total national undergraduate population of Asian-Americans to 717,600 undergraduate Asian-Americans Even more recently, specifically at UCSD, which has a generally higher population of Asian students than the national average, the population of Asian students has increased from 28% in 1996 to 39% in 2006, surpassing the population of even Caucasian students, which make up 31% of the school population . Along with this increased population of Asian-Americans, issues specific to Asian-American became exposed in the academic arena. This increase in the Asian-American population led to the creation of Asian-American Studies departments in several schools .
Coinciding with the boom in the general campus population, the number of Asian-American students in Intervarsity went from 788 to 2,837 in a span of 10 years, and today 1/7 of its students are Asian-American (4,603 of 31,438) and 1/8 of its staff are Asian-American (120 of 880) . Much as the increase of Asian-American students in the general campus population caused an increase interest in Asian-American studies in the academic institutions of America during the 1990’s, Intervarisity’s interest in Asian-American issues increased.
Historically in the national history of Intervarsity, there have been two different approaches to engage race and ethnicity. Intervarsity’s engagement with Asian Americans is different according to whichever model is being used in each campus. One general strategy used is a pattern of integration. This pattern is prevalent in the Los Angeles area. In this model, the fellowship is multiethnic and includes every culture. This type of model emphasizes on racial reconciliation. In this model, Asian-Americans participate in the fellowship alongside people of other ethnic backgrounds. This model seems to follow an equality model similar to the perspective of neo-liberalism in that each identity is equal and individual, and is seen without any difference.
One model, which was prevalent in Boston and Chicago, has several ethnic specific fellowships, held together with a strategy of covenant. A strategy of covenant, like what is used in Boston, is an actual physical written covenant that a student leader from each fellowship signs that says that they each commit to pursue unity and do joint activities together. In this model, Asian-American students are at the forefront of the maintenance and creation of inter-fellowship and inter-ethnic dialogue and covenant. This model emphasizes on the affirmation of each ethnic identity and culture, which follows a similar pattern as fundamentalism.
For a period of time, the leaders from each region were in conflict with each other on the national level. Each side demanded that their model was what the organization on a national level needed to look like. Eventually, the conflict was resolved when each side realized that they needed to stop looking at models and begin to look at their values. Each side realized that the opposing side clung to values that they lacked. For example, the Boston/Chicago chapters found that they lacked in racial reconciliation and were able to learn how to do racial reconciliation from the Los Angeles chapters. In the same way, Los Angeles chapters realized that they lacked in cultural identity formation and needed to learn from the Boston an Chicago chapters how to foster cultural identity awareness.
Intervarsity: UCSD
Currently, the UCSD chapter of Intervarsity, which is UCSD’s largest student organization with about 400 students total attending its various weekly events, contains elements of both models. On the one hand, it follows the UCLA model and has one fellowship that is not categorized by race. However, on the other hand, the UCSD Intervarsity has two bible studies that are centered on race: the Students of Color and South Asian bible study. Both of these bible studies were created to reach out to communities that UCSD Intervarsity had not successfully reached yet, because the current ethnic makeup of the fellowship is dominantly East Asian and white. This creates an interesting dynamic in that there seems to be an equal relationship between Asians and whites because they are both dominantly within the “in” group of Intervarsity and are not a marginal population. This creates a problem similar to the problems caused by the model minority myth within Asian-American identity: there is an illusion of racial equity and diversity within the fellowship, while there are still groups that are marginalized from the fellowship. At the same time, several white students have noticed the increased number of Asian-Americans and as a result, a white flight has begun to occur as the proportion of leaders that are of Asian descent rose above those that are white. These problems arise because there is no sense of Asian-American identity explicitly expressed.
In 2001, there was an attempt to foster racial reconciliation with a series of discussions called Race Matters. However, the discussions were poorly led and resulted in what James Choung, the San Diego divisional head, described as “white guilt and university guilt”. In other words, instead of reconciliation, old racial bitterness was exposed and amplified. Because of this, race was a taboo topic for a few years. However, after a few years, the bad taste left by these discussions faded, and Intervarsity began to engage race again and started the Students of Color ministry in 2003. In 2004, an effort spearheaded by James Choung, began to engage the area of Asian-American identity. This culminated in the Asian-American Student Leadership Conference (AASLC).
James Choung was frustrated with the current engagement of Asian-American identity because it seemed as if the Asian-American identity was an invisible identity, coinciding with David Paulumbo-Liu’s fear that the very concept of Asian-American is in the process of disappearance, to the point at which “Asian-American” is not even a listed category in demographic studies . If it ever was made aware, Asian-American culture was always defined by its problems, such as issues with immigrant parents, passive aggressiveness and identities based on success. However, James Choung attended a conference that stuck out to him, because eight different cultures met at a conference, there was a performance in which each performer was from a different ethnicity and performed a dance from their indigenous cultures. He suddenly realized that the one thing that every culture was not ashamed of was their food and their art. There were parts of culture that every group could be ashamed of. However, there was a strength in each culture that each culture could draw from and be proud and confident of. Choung decided to investigate strategies to find these specific strengths within the Asian-American culture.
When he discussed this further with other Asian American leaders, one leader brought up the example of Ken Fong, who was the leader of a band called Event Called Hiroshima. This band uses their traditional Japanese instruments to play jazz music, and they have the most popular appeal with the African American community. When asked why they had such great cross-cultural success, Ken Fong quickly replied that they had “made peace with [their] instruments”. Inspired by this, James sought out to create place where Asian-Americans can “make peace” with their culture to bless other cultures. Thus, the first AASLC was focused on the positive strengths of the general Asian-American culture, such as a high value for community and excellence. They also had art performances, dramas and worship performed by Asian Americans. They even had different foods from the different Asian nations, such as Thai and Vietnamese food. The goal was to expose the invisibility of Asian-American culture and render visible not only the faults of Asian-American culture, but its strengths.
The next year, 2005, Intervarsity held the second AASLC. This second conference had the theme of “Awaken the Dragon”. The goal was to go beyond awareness and into activism. It was a challenge to go beyond simply the acknowledgement of Asian-American strengths, but to use the strengths of the Asian-American identity to constructively transform whatever contexts that individual finds itself. During this conference, there were talks on the historical context and heritage that Asian-Americans come from. For example, one speaker highlighted several Asian Christian leaders in the area of social justice, in an attempt to create “ Asian-American Martin Luther Kings” from the Asian-American context.
Another speaker, Erna Kim-Stubblefield, explained that the reason why most Asian-Americans are able to be in America today is because of the pursuit of justice by the African American community. The speaker connected the formation and passing of the Immigration Act of 1965, which abolished quotas on immigration with the political environment that had been created by the Civil Rights Movement. The speaker then repeated this line several times: “We have a debt of social justice to the African American community, because it is the very reason that we exist today!” It was an exhortation to not only be the model minority that works toward the legitimization of the hierarchically higher social constructs and standards, which is the common stereotype of Asian-Americans, but to become a model minority that joins in the resistance identity it was born from in the African American identity and legitimates standards of social justice.
These two conferences are prime examples of policy that has done great and effective work in destroying the invisibility of the Asian-American identity, a hybridized identity, and positioning that identity to be a constructive force in the greater community. The destruction of the invisibility of Asian-American identity and the construction of its visibility directly engages and can potentially destroy the insecurity of identity in this hybridized identity. However, those conferences have come and gone. Right now, the issue of ethnicity is not at the forefront of the policies and activities of Intervarsity, and the Asian-American identity seems to be easily slipping back into invisibility in reaction to identity insecurity. Although individual conferences are effective in raising awareness and spurring up inspiration for action, more long-term policies must be implemented to keep the Asian-American identity healthily visible.
Long-term Strategies
AASLC: Prophet and Network
Manuel Castells suggests that the formation of project identities from a resistance identity requires two factors: Prophets and decentralized organization and action. The prophet is not necessarily a leader, but a symbolic face given to a cultural insurgency that becomes the voice for that particular movement. The most important step, however, according to Castells, is a “networking, decentred form of organization and intervention,” . This means that project identities must be formed and performed on a grassroots level, and cannot simply rely on a centralized source of identity formation. As mentioned earlier, previous concepts of singular source identity formation such as the nation fail to adequately address the contemporary global subject and move it to action because the illusion of nationhood is unable to cover up the hybridity and plurality of individual and community identity. At the same time, the standard of the nation is held up. The disconnection with the illusion of nationhood and the plural notion of identity creates the insecurity that creates fundamentalism and the sublimation of identity.
Intervarsity has begun to construct a project identity for Asian Americans through AASLC. However, after the first two conferences, Intervarsity began to shift its focus to other issues such as social justice issues in Africa and building links with other social justice organizations outside of the Christian community in UCSD. Although these were two very good conferences and the issues that Intervarsity is stepping into are quite important, it is important that Intervarsity does not neglect issues of cultural identity, which would allow for Asian American identity to fade back into invisibility. Asian-American identity must stand side by side on the forefront along with the issues of social justice that Intervaristy is currently exploring. Furthermore, it must be recognized that the affirmation of Asian-American project identity in fact furthers the work of social justice. Therefore, in order for the progress of identity formation and mobilization that was achieved to be maintained, these conferences should be continued in a consistent manner to consistently bring exposure to the presence of Asian America in the context of the university.
Future AASLC’s must continue to work towards forming prophetic symbols that embody a sense of social movement into the identity of Asian America. This was begun by the second AASLC, in which the speakers contextualized the Asian-American identity with talks such as Erna Stubblefield’s connection with Asian America with the civil rights movement and James Choung’s “Asian Heroes in the Christian Faith”, in which he highlighted different important Christian figures of Asian descent in order to highlight the “Asian Martin Luther King Jr.’s”. These talks worked to construct prophetic figures to incite and represent the formation of project identities, in which a new identity is built with an intention to bring transformation to the surrounding contextual society.
However, as Castells points out, the formation of project identities requires more than just central symbolic figures for these identities. Decentralized, hybridized identities, such as the Asian-American identity, will require more decentralized, grassroots action and organization. Thus, AASLC’s next step for development would be for the conference to be a platform for the creation of a network between different organizations. AASLC’s current role as a nascent prophetic figure in the formation of Asian American identity is a top-down effort to form Asian-American identity and social action. AASLC must add to its focus of identity formation an emphasis on network creation between different groups in order to create a grassroots, bottom up movement to compliment the top-down nature of the conference in terms of identity formation and mobilization.
Currently, AASLC has created a loose network of connections between different Christian organizations and churches that focus on Asian American issues in the San Diego area. Most notable has been the development of a group of pastors from different Asian churches in the area that meets monthly. In this group, different pastors gather and discuss and pray for the different issues that come to the forefront of their own specific ministries. This created a loose network between different pastors of Asian-specific churches in the San Diego Area. However, this network still stays within the context of Christianity, whereas Asian American identity is not confined to the Christian faith.
Therefore the first priority for future AASLC’s is to form a network between different organizations and groups focused on Asian American students at UCSD that go beyond the Christian sphere of influence, such as MASA (Multi-Asian Student Association), CASA (Chinese American Student Association), the Nikkei Student Union, Lambda Phi Epsilon, and other similar organizations or groups that either focus on gathering Asian-American students or have a large constituency of Asian-American students. This will not necessarily require Intervarsity to lead the effort in the formation of such a network, but simply that AASLC acts as a catalyst by the provision of a platform for this network to form. This will require AASLC to be open to people of other faiths than Christianity. The purpose of this network would not be to necessarily centralize social action from Asian-American students. Rather, it would be to encourage social action in all parts of the expansive Asian-American community.
Even more long-term, AASLC should explore the creation of networks that go beyond simply Asian America. Already, AASLC invites people from all ethnicities to come and learn about Asian-American identity to encourage inter-group dialogue on issues such as cross-cultural communication. However, the focus is still only on Asian-Americans. Therefore, AASLC should lead to the formation of a platform where a cross-cultural dialogue can be fostered and other project identities can be developed in other cultural groups. This is important because a project identity changes its surrounding societal context. In order to affect society, awareness of the societal context is essential. Not only can this give Asian-Americans an idea of where they can bring transformation to other groups- it also creates a space for other cultural groups to bring transformation to Asian America. Thus, AASLC has the potential to become a site of project identity construction for more than just Asian-Americans, but for all groups.
Conclusion
Asian-American identity exposes the contemporary insecurity and struggle for identity has left the global subject in a state of limbo in which both the calls for the affirmation of individual identity and the need to be assimilated into a community larger than the self. An identity must be formed that transcends both of these reactions to the identity insecurity of the contemporary global society. In this context of insecurity, it is vital that a new perception of the individual form and strategies for mobilizing those individuals and communities be formed in the pursuit of the project identity. Intervarsity provides a platform from which this type of perception and identity can be formed through its Asian-American Student Leadership Conference.
Through the development of this type of project identity within the context of Asian-Americans, in which identity is constructed with the purpose of the transformation of individuals and surrounding society outside of the Asian-American context, a template and model for the project identity can be constructed that can be applied to other emergent hybridized individuals and their communities. The work of identity and community development within and surrounding Asian America is vital because its implications go beyond simply the Asian-American subject, but spills over into a global context. It is within the context of Asian America where questions of global individual and community significance and consequence can begin to be engaged.

Global Modernity

2006-06-08T15:37:00.000-07:00

Modernity is a picture of success given by Western countries of a democratic society, capitalist economy, technological progress and empirical and calculable formulas to attain them. It is a utopian vision and standard that nations around the world are struggling to attain at any cost. At first glance, this displays the dominance of Western thought and modernity as the prevailing and absolute discourse of the world. However, this dominance has deteriorated due to the violence, colonialism, genocide, pollution, and the rise of the authoritarian state caused by modernity itself. In the West, this has caused rise of critical thought and deconstructionism of the concept of modernity in scholarly circles. This thinking has seeped into a variety of fields, including art, psychology, film, literature and communications. However, much of the writing done on the subversion of Western modernity is associated with the West itself, implying that other nations, especially Asian nations, must first achieve Western modernity before being able to subvert that modernity.

On the surface, Asian nations are still struggling to actually achieve modernity, much less subvert it. However, the struggle of Asian nations to achieve Western modernity has actually in itself subverted the very idea of a Western modernity. Following in a similar path as Western postmodern parody and mock-documentaries, the imitation and manipulation of Western standards of culture by Asian countries has decentralized and dethroned Western power and influence. This decentralization has shown that power and influence do not flow in one direction, but is distributed and transformed in a network of connections. The appropriation of modernity has caused a subversion and transformation of an exclusively Western modernity into a new decentralized global vision of modernity (if it can still be called modernity), with localized expressions that have global effects, found in the practices of call centers in India and the pirate economy of Asia.

The nature of Western documentary’s adoption of postmodern values is analogous to the current state of Asian appropriation of Western modernity and provides a possible avenue to understand the subversion and transformation of modernity in the context of Asian countries. Traditional documentary has always depended on the narratives of science and discourses of the Enlightenment to solve social and individual problems (Roscoe, 28). The analogous authority in the Asian struggle for modernity is the West as the standard of progress and perfection. Postmodern discourses question the authority of the dominant discourses of science and empiricism in a “crisis of representation, an implosion of meaning and a collapse of the real” (Roscoe, 28). Postmodernism has caused the medium of documentary, which has always had a close relationship to science and Enlightenment ideas, to stretch and blur its boundaries into a critique of the discourses it once depended on so deeply (Roscoe, 29). In the same way, Asian practices of out-sourced call centers and piracy have become a critique of the Western modernity that it simultaneously depends on for its very existence. Parody and mock-documentaries manipulate the style and techniques of other genres to critique those genres (Roscoe, 29). In the same way, the Asian version of modernity and its attempts to imitate Western modernity have in fact become a critique of their very source.

The Asian quest for the standard of Western modernity relies heavily on its ability to imitate the West. For example, companies that use Indian call centers want to avoid the trouble of a customer feeling like his or her request is misunderstood. Therefore, Indian call centers train their agents to be “modern subjects” that can easily communicate to American customers as if they were American themselves. The training goes from culture training to as far as accent trainings (Shome, 111-112). Thus, some Indian agents have appropriated modern American culture so successfully that many Americans cannot tell that the person on the other end of the phone line is actually on the other side of the world. Similarly, imitations of Louis Vuitton leather products have sprung up in Taiwan that are more accessible than the genuine products and are nearly 95% accurate in imitation (Chang, 228). Taiwan was able take a Western object and imitate it accurately to use it as a status symbol. Piracy of Western film is also prevalent in Asia where these films have limited distribution at high costs (Wang, 104). Although these films are not all completely perfectly copied, they deliver access to the cultural objects (films) that otherwise would have an exclusive Western audience.

The appropriations of Western culture by Asian nations as symbols of modernity undermine the hierarchy of power implied by discourses of Western modernity. Usually, these appropriations are seen under the scope of cultural imperialism and zero sum theory, in which power is unidirectional and cannot be taken from the holder of power (Wang, 117). Instead, these examples of appropriation each demonstrate aspects of actor network theory, in which ideas travel in a network in several directions, experiencing translation and transformation with each transaction (Wang 101). Indian call centers and its agents’ ability to imitate the West show the attainability of Western society. The Indian call agents become the power holders by having the information valuable to customers and invert the power structure that has the West on the top of the hierarchy. Even further, they have shown that they too can acquire the ability to hold the power of information, making the zero sum theory irrelevant to Indian call centers.

Piracy also undermines concepts of Western modernity by destroying notions of a unidirectional transference of power and influence. Fake Louis Vuitton producers have created products that are not even copied from real Louis Vuitton products and have released copies of real Louis Vuitton products before they are available from legitimate stores (Chang, 233). The producers of pirated Louis Vuitton goods have begun to create designs that are further and further away from the influence of Louis Vuitton itself. This exposes deterioration in Louis Vuitton’s creative authority and the dissemination of that authority globally. Pirated VCD’s in China have incited several actions from the Chinese government and the U.S. government. These actions first pushed piracy from above ground to underground, then overseas, and finally back to China itself (Wang, 111). All of these policies did not actually stop film piracy, but exposed the insecurity of the West to control pirated media. In fact, each of the pirated film industry’s reactions to U.S. policies was an expression of power over the U.S. film market, just as the U.S. policies themselves were expressions of power. This again shows a multidirectional flow of power as opposed to a unidirectional flow of power. Pirated film also popularized the VCD format, forcing multinational corporations to change their strategies and delay the implementation of DVD technology (Wang, 108). This again shows a reversal in power in which there is no hierarchy of power and influence can flow in any direction.

Appropriation of Western modernity is a parody of modernity itself. In the film world, it is easy to view parody as merely comic. However, parodies must also be recognized as the generation of critical commentary (Roscoe, 29). In the same way, these appropriations of Western modernity are more than just entertaining cross-cultural stories- they are post-colonial criticisms and subversions of Western dominated discourses of power and progress. Indian call centers and pirated goods form the framework for a new global democratic vision of power, in which influence is no longer in one Western centered location, but is shared in a network and flows in several directions.

Ashis Nandy states that in order for this new cosmopolitanism to become a legitimate dissenting voice, the post-colonial discourse must ally itself with the repressed, pre-modern West (Nandy, 146). However, besides the pre-modern West, post-colonial thought must also find an ally in the postmodern West. The dissolution of Western modernity into a new global modernity can be made complete only through the alliance of critical thought from within the West and outside the West.

Globalized Asia

2006-05-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

For hundreds of years, Asia’s identity has been defined in Western terms due to colonialism and imperialism. However, in this age of post-colonialism, the forces of globalization are de-Westernizing the way the world is perceived and interacted with. It has in turn shifted the way that we view the cultural, geographical and historical aspects of the idea of “Asia” and “the East”. Isolation from the West has become a fleeting dream from the past. There has been a distant relationship between the entity of the West and the East for thousands of years, but in recent years, increased globalization has slowly forced this relationship to become increasingly intimate. This impending collision of cultural entities is no longer impending but is now our present reality. The idea of Asia can no longer be thought of alone, but must be defined in its context in the global community. This shift in the relationship between the East and the West has been dualistic in nature in that it has caused the idea of Asia and the East to be inseparable from the context of the idea of the West and the rest of the world that surrounds it. However, it has at the same time caused a reaction among the nations to call for a greater understanding of what Asia is apart from the influence of the West and the rest of the world, and on Asia’s own terms. All in all, this shows that Asia today is defined by an interplay between its relationship with the rest of the world, including the West, and Asia’s view of itself to form an identity that fits into the context of globalization. This interplay has created an identity that is de-westernized, but not devoid of Western thought. Rather, Asia is not centralized in one culture’s perspective, but a collective identity composed of insider perspectives and perspectives formed by the relationship outsider forces have with Asia..

The first element of Asia’s identity is an increased awareness of itself free from Western influence. The centrality of the Western discourse and power structure over Asia has become decayed and decentralized (Iwabuchi, 19). This has given other discourses that dissent from the Western discourse on Asia the opportunity to take hold. For example, there have been movements in the study of Asia to indigenize the knowledge of Asian nations. For instance, histories of colonized nations start only after the colonization of that nation by a European country. Anything before that is considered prehistory in some countries. An indigenization of the knowledge of the term “Asia” would mean that the knowledge base of Asia would come from Asian indigenous sources (Dirlik, 163). This disarms the centrality of the Western narration of Asia and centers knowledge of Asia on Asian sources. Further, in the last twenty to thirty years, there has been a resurgence of civilizational view of Asia, in which Asia’s identity is no longer based on a Western colonial modernity, but by its own cultural modernities such Islam or Neo-Confucianism (Dirlik, 162). This departs from a Eurocentric colonial mindset and instead creates an identity that not only sets Asia apart from the West, but goes so far as to set the idea of Asia in direct confrontation against the Euro-American civilization. However, although the Western discourse on Asia has diminished, the new discourse on the identity of Asia has not become entirely Asian-centered.

The second element of Asia’s identity is in its interaction with the West and the world outside of Asia. One of the most prominent ideas that embody this identity is the idea of the Pacific Rim. The Pacific Rim makes Asia a part of a larger economic and power structure that is centered not on the West or on Asia, but on the area in between them- the Pacific Ocean (Dirlik, 165). This view identifies Asia not from an Asian discourse or a Euro-American discourse, but instead defines Asia from a discourse formed from the relationship between those discourses. Another example of an Asian definition based on its relationship with other nations is the rise and study of diasporic communities. This way of viewing Asia “replaces areas and groundedness with the motions of people” (Dirlik, 166). This viewpoint of Asia focuses on the creation of identity in the interaction and relationship between Eastern cultures and Western cultures (for example, Chinese culture and American culture become the Asian American culture in Chinese diaspora communities in America). Again, this is a discourse that blurs the distinction between the West and the East and demands a new matrix of thinking based on the inseparable relationship between Asian identity and Western identity. On the surface, this integrationist view of Asia as part of a larger system is in direct contradiction to the idea that the identity of Asia must be free of Western influence.

On the contrary, however, the introspective identity of Asia and the relational identity of Asia work towards the same goal- the decentralization of Western thought that defines Asia. These elements have the potential to come together to form a “new cosmopolitanism” in which post-colonial thought of non-Western countries allies itself with the “disowned West” that recognizes the deterioration of the West’s nce (Nandy, 146). In the same way, the introspective view of Asia apart from the West sets the stage for a viewpoint in which the West no longer has the authority to dictate identity, and the relational element creates a concrete alternative to an ethnocentric view of Asia. This cosmopolitanism can in turn form an environment of egalitarian dialogue between civilizations (Nandy, 147). This creates an identity in which the idea of Asia is not just formed by the West, but can even be a force in defining and affecting Western thought.

Thus, Asia, in the context of globalization, is a combination of its own independently formed personal history and identity and its identity formed by its relationship with the rest of the world. Firstly, the idea of Asia has expanded beyond the West’s definition of Asia, but now includes the voices of Asia itself. Secondly, Asia’s identity is now centered on its relationship with its global context. This dualistic identity not just relevant in Asia, but is relevant to the changing identities of people groups, nations, and continents all over the world. For example, this dualism is found in America’s relationship between Mexico, in which there is an increased dependence on Mexico for America’s economy, while at the same time, efforts to build a wall on the border and efforts to define who is American and who isn’t have significantly increased. To understand Asia’s dualistic identity in a global context not only assists in the understanding of Asia, but in questions of identity around the world, in which globalization has simultaneously melded and demarcated ideas of identity from the personal level to cultural and continental identity.

first homesick, now sick of home.

2005-08-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

sigh.

I keep getting memory flashes of China, LSV...

it was only 11 days since i last saw them. it seems the only thing i can really hold a conversation with is anything to do with china and/or postmodernism. it's pretty sorry. i feel like a freaking nerd. i can't even seem to come up with any lame daniel puns. I don't feel like i should have left. it feels so crappy to go back into american life. i honestly can't stand it sometimes. a lot of times, i find myself caught up in this american anesthesia, and slap myself in hopes that i would never allow it to keep its drowsy spell. i actually understand when i hear people speak mandarin now... it's really weird.

sometimes i see the kids faces, and i just feel like finding a room to be by myself and just cry out for them- not out of pity, but out of anger and frustration that i am not able to get them out of their situations. and all i can do about it is talk about it. maybe donate more money. i looked back at my journal recently and found an entry during the trip that said, "talk is silence, and action is a megaphone; money is cheap, and action is priceless". what's the use of high ideals in a journal if they are not practiced...

and here i am in the ucsd. i'm supposed to focus on housing issues, iv prayer team, classes, bus training... they feel ridiculously distant all the time, but slowly drawing nearer to me as my mind forgets china. i don't want to forget. but i don't want to live in the past. how do i let the past affect my present?

anyways, maybe i need to talk more about it... maybe i should look over my final thoughts on china that i had and make something out of it... although it didn't feel very final at all. it felt like the beginning of a movie that ended right after the the main character was introduced.

well, i would love to talk about it with anybody. please call me if you want to hear. and don't accept 'it was good' or 'it was chinese' as an answer to the question on how china was. i do that too much.

and that's it. this entry is way too long and i have a lot of gas that the rest of the people in sun god lounge are bound to start noticing.

Confusions of the Heart

2005-08-18T16:36:00.000-07:00

camp was extremely good. A lot of kids opened up. good awesome things happened... I'll have to write about it later.

Leaving in an hour to the airport.

I am so looking forward to home, but at the same time wishing I could stay longer. If there's anything i've learned first hand, it's that relationship is what defines true justice. It's not having a good deep conversation, it's not throwing out food at someone... it's RELATIONSHIP. the true nature of the KOG is about making people whole through the power of love.

But that's the hard part of doing things short term... I hate to be pessimistic, but i think that short term m trips have gotten out of hand- I fear it is becoming an excuse not to commit all your heart into something. And if you finally feel the commitment of relationship, it gets torn away from you much sooner than you wished.

anyways, i'm just rambling. I'm bordering on slightly anxious for next year- i still need to prepare for p-team, driving busses...

anyways, i miss my guitar.

I need to finish packing now.

Home for 6 days and then i'm off to the distant land of san diego.

Resting in Luxury.

2005-08-11T07:21:00.000-07:00

When the kids told me the summer camp was nice, i believed them. In believing them, I mean, i thought they meant it was just better than LSV. I thought they were just saying that it was "nice".

wow. it's nice. Better than our hotel. They actually change the sheets every day. There's sitting toilets. The food is awesomeness. The swimming pool is open all the time. There's go-carts. Ther's a river.

It's completely ridiculous. Haha... I wonder how these kids will react to such luxury.

Anyways, meeting the rest of the people that will work with us has been fun. They come from all over the place- Texas, Australia, Japan, China, HK, England... it's pretty exciting. My favorite are 2 of the australians. They're having a blast with the firecracker shop outside the campground, and they're a mischevious pair. We played marco polo tonight and it was wild. I'm sure we'll have a lot of fun with them. And the texans look fun too... i can't wait for them to snap out of jet lag.

things to talk to dad about:
It's a little scary not having any team parents with us now and no poon daddy with us (he's returning to the US i think). It's a whole other dimension with meeting so many new people to work with. It's really easy to get prideful that we've been here so much longer than the rest and that we know the kids already. It's also a lot of pressure because we are now their translators, even we who have very limited mandarin know much more than them. So we are now their translators. Puts a lot of pressure on me and germs :). It's also been hard being put into different roles because we have to be put into a whole new leadership structure. Takes more humility and submission. That's a hard one. Also, for me personally, I feel like I've already reached the end of the trip. It's a little hard for me to focus for this last leg of the trip. tell dad to make sure i finish the race strong. I have been really wanting to go home, yet anxious about it too because i have to do so much in the five days before i go back to SD.

But it's been good. did some good p-walking today, bring us together like a family talking to dad. This summer camp looks awesome. I would be going crazy if i were one of the kids. Now i know why they are so excited.

anyways, more people should go online in the morning. I'm waiting here desperate for contact from the west, staring at my AIM buddylist.

foot blister

2005-08-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

My foot is throbbing from me playing soccer barefoot. bad bad bad bad idea. I have a blister deep in my foot now. how wonderful.

Soccer has been great. But it's been getting me pooped each day. It was a good thing it was the last day today.

Tomorrow we go to summer camp. It will be my last week with the kids. I actually can't wait for us to go. It will be a great break from this past month of being our team of 15 versus 62 kids. During the camp, there will be almost 1 on 1.

The kids are really excited to go. They can't stop talking about the camp's bumper cars and swimming.

Okeeeee dokee. i'm out. bye.

I'm Still Alive

2005-08-07T21:51:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone- sorry i haven't been able to update lately. Computer access has been hard to come by. I got kicked out of the internet bars because i don't have an ID card.

just letting you all know i'm alive and kicking. I have to go. I've been playing a lot of soccer lately. bye.

quotes

2005-08-02T04:22:00.000-07:00

just some quotes in my head lately.

"It seemed the more we traveled, the more the land seemed to change... or was it us?"
"Each moment seems to be split in two- One part is regret for leaving every mile that is behind us, but the other is excitement for what is ahead"
-Motorcycle Diaries

"We of little faith... You of stubborn grace"
-The Normals

Team 2 should be here any minute. I fell asleep with the guitar in my lap. I'm trying to write a song, but nothing's coming out. There's an emotion that wants to be translated into a song, but i don't have the language or musical ability to translate it correctly... it results in several of my journal pages scribbled on and then crossed out.

anyways, i really miss playing Lucy. I miss my guitar. The ply-wood guitar we are using just doesn't cut it. it's almost soul-less to me sometimes. I miss you lucy.

motorcycle diaries

2005-08-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

sigh. So I wrote this long analysis of motorcycle diaries and how much I related to it on this trip... but my computer died and I'm not going to do it again. All there is to say is that I watched the movie and it was beautiful. There were so many quotable things in the movie that sounded so inspiring even in the english translation. Makes me want to learn spanish just to understand the great quotes in their original language. It was even more beautiful because it really resonated with me.

However, this computer doesn't resonate with me. poop.

Yesterday, me josh and jeff came back to LSV to do a little PW before uncle Abe had a talk with the kids. It was scary going there without the team because every single person the kids used to hang on to had gone back to America. That means they hung onto me. I knew i was in trouble when I heard the kids chanting my name from the second floor and the sound of pattering to meet me at the stairs. Then came the mob that hung onto anything they could hang onto on my body. It was the most tiring experience I've had at LSV, but it really felt great to be back there. Uncle abe was pretty fun too. I forgot how much i miss hearing the guy talk. hahaha.

anyways, today was a long laborious day of shopping for a good writing pad for my computer for writing chinese (290 rmb... the most expensive purchase i've made on this trip...) and watching seven swords, the new big kung fu film in China and HK. anyways, it sucked. I feel really bad. The director was supposed to be really big for past movies like Once upon a time in China. This was supposed to be his response to movies like Hero. Well it sucked. badly. And the worst part was I told everyone that it'd be good, even convincing a mother to go. Well there were unnecesarrily prolonged sex scenes, unnecissarily extreme unaesthetic violence, a bad story line, and a scary gothic looking lesbian chinese chick. It was pretty sad that this director sacrificed a coherent story for stuff that sells in Hollywood. and it was worse that I told people it'd be a good movie. Anyways, i felt thoroughly guilty for making everyone watch it with me afterwards.

Well, team 2 is coming tomorrow. That will be fun. anyways, please be on your knees for me and please make sure dad makes sure i don't accidentally watch bad movies anymore during this trip. I've also been having problems in my heart lately with pride that I didn't have during the first team.

anyways, i'm slightly tired now. And I have to pee. bye.

back in the motherland

2005-07-30T06:41:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone- i'm back in the motherland.

I spent most of yesterday, my last day in HK, in IFC. I was at Cheung Zhou for a while, but it was raining, and there was a big funeral going on that day there. Left me feeling really uncomfortable, so i just went back to cheungzhou. I was considering watching a movie, but i got distracted at the IFC (international Finance Center). It's pretty new- it wasn't there last time i was in HK. It's now the tallest building in all of HK ( i think). Anyways, I was walking through it, and the architecture in that building is simply amazing. I was literally walking with my head bent looking upwards as i walked through that mall. There was so much detail and awesomeness in that building. Especially cool is all the mobile art. Then i found a secret elevator that goes to the roof of the building in between the two towers. That place was crazy. ONe side, you could see all of Central, and the other side looked across the bay to mongkok. There were also freaking crazily awesome sculptures and fountains. I had a field day with my camera. It was one of those days where I was trying really hard to look artsy. haahahaha. at least as well as i could with my unsteady hands and camera that has strange quirks here and there... i think i was trying too hard, but it was a lot of fun for me.

Then I had hot pot with letty and nana. I was completely conquered. I got full so fast that I was embarrassed. it sucked. But it was good hanging out with them. I've just lost a lot of pride by not being able to finish as much food as i used to. What's happening to my stomach??? Anyways, it's kind of funny because I've had a buffet on my last night of being somewhere for this whole summer. Last day in America- Hot pot city. Last Day in Nanning- Brazillian BBQ (yes for reals). Last day in HK- Hot Pot.

anyways, the last few days have been raining in HK, but i pressed forward nonetheless to be the best tourist i can be. It was a really good time of rest and personal reflection.

now i'm back and it's feeling a little strange without the first team. I'm kinda missing them. Actually i'm missing them a lot. Especially my roommate, Deny. We've roomed together before on my trip to Duan. He's probably one of the best people i've ever roomed with period. Somehow we were able to live together. It was always fun to run around shopping for clothes with him during free time. I caught myself looking at interesting T-shirt designs in HK. I would turn around and tell Deny so he could take a picture of it, and then all of a sudden I'd remember he wasn't there. It was fun running around getting food that was probably bad for us, sneaking out when nobody was watching, and making our room the party room for the rest of the team.

So yeah, I'm pretty anxious about this next part of the trip. It's a whole batch of new people. Nuff said.

anyways, today, that anxiety was swallowed away by our 11 or so plates of dumplings for dinner tonight. hahahaha. I'm so full. Tomorrow it's back to the orphanage. All the orphans think i've gone back to america. I wonder what their reaction will be when I'm back playing guitar at Josh's side. hahahaha.

change in plans

2005-07-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

so. Funny thing happened. Yesterday, on our free day before our departure today, I got a folded binder paper from Auntie Solange. I unfolded it, and there was a handwritten letter from Auntie Lillian, asking me to stay for the second team. I already had my reasons for not staying- Nat's wedding, taking care of IV stuff, having to take a written test for my class B liscence, finalizing some housing stuff, etc. But as I went through each reason, each one didn't seem to have any pulling effect on me going home. They didn't seem important. It also didn't really feel like Dad was done doing what he wanted to do in me. It seemed like so far, there's been a lot of inward growth and heeling, but in terms of growing in leadership- It hasn't really been happening. So, i decided to get on my knees on this one, and during twa, they talked about passing onto the next generation and not being silent. I also had a vision, which I haven't had in a long time- I saw thousands of guitarists singing to dad. This was exactly what auntie lillian wanted to see begin in the next month. I was on my knees for a little longer, asked some of my close team members what they thought, and they all said it sounded right. It was something I should pursue.

So, I've made the crazy decision to go with the team to HK, then stay there for a week, and then go back to china for another 2 weeks. That means 3 more weeks. This feels like the stupidest decision I have ever made, yet the most exciting. I feel scared and anxious, yet at the same time energized.

So, sorry people at home- I won't be home until the 19th of August, and then I'll be going to SD on the 25th still.

Please please please please be on your knees for me. I still don't feel totally secure about this all, but all the changes have been made already. However, just learning from this last year- delayed obedience is almost as bad as total disobedience. Even though i'm having trouble trusting Dad after stuff last year, somehow something inside of me won't let me stop trusting Him in doing the insane. This is so damn insane.

well. Here's hoping for the best. Ready or not, here I go.

The difficulty of being Mr. Bad Cop

2005-07-20T00:23:00.000-07:00

Today I had to discipline the kids again. I hate being the bad cop. It really sucks. I just felt so sad that they didn't want to obey today. There was one girl who was almost crying as I made her copy "i will not fall asleep in class" 10 times. But she was literally going to sleep in the middle of me telling her why she shouldn't sleep. aaaaaugh. frustrating. I just felt gross inside for being so mean. I hope tomorrow will be better. It's the last day.

anyways we helped the older kids start their first p&w team. that was pretty cool- watching them stepping up from just being spoon fed into leadership.

anyways. There's a lot of fleas now. I got a lot of bites last night. I think i just got a bite on my thumb knuckle. It's really annoying. okay. Bye.

longings

2005-07-19T00:04:00.000-07:00

I wish i could stay here longer. It's winding down to the last few days. We're already in "exit mode". I wish i had longer to be with the kids and hang out with auntie lillian. oi.

anyways... just random thoughts...

My chinese has unfortunately not gotten better hahaha. Guanxi is an interesting place, linguistically. In Nanning, they speak both cantonese and Mandarin. This doesn't even account for the area's native dialect, zhuang. Anyways, it has made my "cantarin" much better, but has destroyed any sense of cantonese or mandarin. It's kind of created this pseudo pidgin/creole deal. It's kinda like what they talked about in communications- the "mestiza conciousness" or the borderland conciousness. It's gotten me thinking a lot about globalization. It think it's kind of how i've come to terms with post-modernism: It has its positives and negatives and it's no use fighting it because it's already here. It's more about what to do in the present situation of globalization than fighting it. It's here, and it's here to stay. Anyways... that rant there went a little tangented. The bottom line is that I don't feel my language getting better. It's also because there are team members that are fluent and will immediately translate for me when i could be practicing. I need to just go to china myself one day without any help.

It's made me think about taking chinese a third year next quarter. It's actually something i'd like to do, but I feel like i keep falling behind and I keep getting busier with comm major stuff and with outside stuff. Anyways, we'll see what happens. Maybe i'll magically appear in class one day. And if not, I need to find a way to keep practicing my chinese. Maybe keep a chinese journal or something. We'll see. Anything to keep me on track with my language. and to make me stop making up tones. hahahaha.

Been thinking a lot about going back to san diego next year. Thinking about p-team next year at 1V, and pondering on some bad flops i made near the end of the year. I think this trip has started to put me back on the right track- stopping my worrying and just trusting. I feel like my closeness to mr. omnipitent is returning.

today, dad in the sky told me he was right there with me, and he never left me. I just stopped paying attention to him. Had some reminders of my bitterness towards him, my anger towards him... i'm still trying to work it all out. It's all a process.

auntie lillian made a half idea half offer to help start a music school in Nanning while i was painting her office today. That'd be pretty fun. But it was just an idea. She has a lot of good ideas hahaha. She also kinda took back the offer because she said i probably shouldn't do it at my age yet- i still need a community around me. And that was pretty cool.

with auntie lillian, I've learned over the years how it is- the first part of doing something with her is always testing your submission and everything. It makes you want to rebel, be bitter, or whatever. What makes doing things under her rewarding is enduring that first part. Once you get used to it, you realize she does everything for a good reason. You also realize she genuinely cares for you. And then you realize she's pretty cool, and that's just her style of leadership.

anyways, i'm just wasting time. it's nap time, and i can't sleep, so i'm writing an unnecessarily long entry in this blog. bye bye.

laying down the law.

2005-07-17T22:56:00.000-07:00

I finally got around to disciplining my kids today. It started out with me not smiling at all before class today. If they started to poke me during breakfast, i would just stare them down. They would continue to poke me, but see i wasn't smiling. Then they would have a really awkward look on their face, poke me again shyly, and then run away and hide. MWAHAHAHAHA. lovable daniel is on vacation now.

Then at class, I told them that there was a huge test today because they weren't behaving on saturday. I also made phillip, my co-teacher take a chinese test because he wasn't behaving with them on saturday. It was hard not to smirk.

I also kept 4 kids after class today and they had to write "I promise to behave in class" 10 times before they could leave.

Oh... being the bad cop teacher feels so great... but i'm a good cop inside, so i don't know how much longer i can keep it up. One of the girls I punished hasn't talked to me since class. hahaha. hopefully nice daniel will emerge from his slumber soon.

I wish i could stay longer. These kids haven't learned enough english yet. I want to just work on phonics and pronounciation with them, but i don't have enough time. It turned out that the curriculum didn't take a solid shape. It came to the point where i had to sort of make my own curriculum, but that happened much too late for anything effective. Hopefully the second team can do a better job than me.

ok. That's it for now. bye bye.

some more thoughts

2005-07-15T23:39:00.000-07:00

I forgot to talk about some stuff last post.

Every night, we have a thing called "family time" with the kids. We sing songs, we give a short encouragement, and we talk in groups for a few minutes.

I did the encouragement a few days ago about my time in chinese class. I talked about how hard it was for me, but I kept doing it because i had a class and teachers that kept pushing me. I told them about the awesome support they gave me in going this summer. I think that's the coolest thing i learned in communications this year- learning is a social process. I told them that yes- English is hard, but I told them that it's something they have to all come together and finish as a community. I told them that your dreams are not impossible if you pursue them as a community.

But then in group time, all of that seemed so hopeless. We talked about what their dreams were and what they wanted to become when they grew up. There were some awesome responses- the blind kid Jeremiah just growled "MASSOUSE" and immediately started rubbing his friend's arm. But with all of them, there was a sense of hopelessness in them. They have no idea how they'll survive after the orphanage. This community here at the orphanage is so awesome- they all look out for eachother and they stick together. The wheel chair kids help out the blind kids. It's broken people helping one another. But after this- the real world. Even if they weren't disabled or orphaned- there is no class mobility here. Once poor, always poor. Farmers will always be farmers. Factory workers will always be factory workers. I felt naive and over optimistic in saying they could achieve their dreams if they "only tried".

But then I guess I have to just grasp that hope in the father- that he would raise these kids up to do great and mighty things.

The kids have been opening up a lot more lately- we asked them about their parents the other day. some of them just simply got lost shopping and got picked up by the police. Others ran away. The deaf mute kid just kept talking away in sign language. It was pretty crazy.

anyways, please keep communicating with dad for me. I think i might be coming down with a cold, but we prayed it out pretty well. Alright, i gotta teach guitar in 10 minutes. catch you guys later.

oh yeah- these are some pictures from our photographer's xanga

Smothered by xiao haizi

2005-07-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

These last few days have been rather eventful.

First of all, right after the last post, we were on a motorcycle taxi tricycle thing and we crashed into another motorcycle taxi tricycle thing that almost crashed into a bus. It's okay. We didn't die. We were quite alright. we got off laughing. Those motorcycle taxi tricycle are awesome.

The kids have been just awesome. Yesterday, they had an insurrection against me. I told them we were going to have a listening test. they immediately stood up and said "BU DONG! BU DONG! I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW!" It took a while to convince them to take the test. They are way too cute. I can't discipline them effectively.

Anyways, that's just a short update. The person next to me is watching strongbad. Anyways, i need a nap. Goodnight.

15 minutes to go

2005-07-13T02:04:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. It's been a week already. It feels like nothing.

Hanging out with the kids has been ridiculously awesome and tiring. The little kids are so hyper.

We just got back from the pool. That was crazy. They all had a project of trying to drown me. It was a public pool. It was sad seeing people run away from the handicapped kids and the blind kids that bumped into them. Somehow, these kids seem so much more happier and genuine and loving than other kids.

Anyways, classes have been a little bit hectic. stay on your knees for us. Nobody really knows what's going on in English class. The curriculum seems unsuitable no matter what we do. But i don't really have to worry because I was food poisoned in the first few days from this fried fish we had. It was bad. I was in bed for 30 hours. Anyways, because of it I got relinquished a lot of responsibilities. It's kind of nice. hahaha. It's nice to just sit back and go with the flow.

However, I'm still teaching guitar, and that has been pretty fun. I've never taught guitar before, but it's been pretty awesome. They're learning pretty quickly. I've taught them the keys of C, G, and A.

For both english and guitar class, I feel like I see a giant wave of responsibility and anxiety and inability. But then, I just sit back and ride the wave through, and things are all right. It's great trusting dad with this stuff.

It breaks my heart when I go around in the bus. I see a mixture of the broken dreams and promises of communism and the hollow compromise of capitalism. Broken brick buildings in the midst of fast rising bamboo laden modern looking buildings. And the people around them have no clue what to do. I'm remembering what it feels like to have a broken heart that isn't from yourself, but from dad's- what it means when he "looked out and saw that they were sheep without a shephered and had compassion on them".

anyways, I leave you with a quote from a kid named abigail there:

Wo feichang de HEPPY!

LDG

2005-07-07T06:59:00.000-07:00

Hey just letting you guys know i've made it to guanxi. me and a friend are at an internet cafe down the street. It's quite confusing with all the usual english in internet explorer in Chinese. Quite awkward indeed.

I felt something spark in me as we were descending into the airport. Seeing those limestone sentinels draped in green cloaks overlooking the vast farmland... I remember I wrote my college essay on going here. I remembered a lot of things on that descent. I remembered the students I last taught. I realized a lot of them probably couldn't go to college because of the demands a farm family has on their children. I remember them surrounding our bus and begging us not to go. And I felt something inside of me that I haven't felt for a long time- My heart felt like it was breaking again.

Today, we had orientation at the orphanage. I remember the lady saying two things- "You not only bring your love to us, but we bring our love to you". That felt so good to hear in the midst of my feelings of inadequacy in loving because I don't really have the ability to love like dad does.

The other thing they said was "The weather here in guanxi is the hottes during july and august, so it's right in time for you. They call them the months of fire. But don't worry. the weather is simply a reflection of our people's hearts." aaah if only dad would capture that fire for him.

The first evening we got there, the older college kids on the team went out to buy guitars for the guitar lessons. We haggled for a real long time and bought four mediocre guitars for 930 rmb. We must have been the best business they got in years. They were the best deal i've ever seen for guitars- 930 rmb is about 100 bucks. that means 25 bucks each, not including all the strings and stuff we got with them. Hope the kids like them. Anyways, that took a long while, and by the end we plopped down on our beds and slept.

we hung out with the kids today. It was pretty good. They had no idea josh, our half chinese half white guy could speak english. He was trying to pretend he couldn't speak chinese. Everyone could hear the uproar at his table when he spoke his first word of chinese. haha. He's an instant celebrity.

For me, I feel like things are just sailing along. I don't feel as stressed out as I should. There's things to be done, lessons unplanned, and uncertainty on how exactly we are going to teach english for 2.5 hours every day. However, i've realized after several years- that's just how auntie lilian works. Extremely specific, yet extraordinarily vague. hahaha. I've learned to just smile and trust her and dad that things will go alright.

for the food report-

don't tell anyone on the trip, but I snuck out this morning and bought some xiao long bao and some stuff that looked like sieu mai, but had rice instead of meat in it. It was pretty good. I saw a plethora of other possibilities too. I can't wait. I've started a secret society on my team called LDG, or La duzi gemen-er. If you understand mandarin, you might know what that means. At the school, they had chicken and noodles and spicy stuff for lunch, and dinner had deep fried fish and too many vegetables. What's ironic is the fish is giving me stomach problems, but the stuff i got off the street didn't do diddly-squat to me.

Well, earth-daddy- I hope you're proud of me. I'll continue as long as my stomach can hold.

Hm. I'm not sure if there's anything else to say for now. anyways, continue to talk to dad for me.

By the way, the internet is freaking exploding in china. we had to look for a few cafes before we found one with open seats. i hear they have almost as many users on the internet as the US, and it's still growing. anyways, they're all playing world of warcraft right now. nerds. hahahaha. okay bye.

2005-07-05T00:43:00.000-07:00

we're leaving real soon. i gotta go.

Haircut and packing

2005-07-04T17:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I'll be driving to the airport in a few hours. This day in which i celebrate the US's birthday was spent cutting off my hair (courtesy of deny and steve), which hasn't been at this length since august or september. I'm getting ready for maximum head ventilation when i'm in the motherland.

Packing's been a little hectic, but it always is.

I want to bring a lot of books to read, but i don't want my backpack to be heavy. Debating what to do on that. Hopefully i can get some good reading in, some good writing, and some good sleep. And maybe a nice in-flight movie.

Please keep talking to dad for me.

two days before i go to the motherland.

2005-07-02T23:15:00.000-07:00

it's about 2 days from me leaving to China, and i feel dreadfully unprepared.

Our team had our last meeting today. There's about 20-30 of us going split into two teams that go at different times. I'm on the first one, and there's about 15 people in my team. We are going to an orphanage. We will all be teaching English there, along with art, music, and games.

The humidity is crazy there, and everyone is having a panic attack over mosquitos. It's quite funny watching the meeting. There are moms handing out herbal mosquito repellent from Hong Kong and recommendations on where to get 100% deet, although it only goes up to 98.75 or some ridiculous number like that. Not too excited about the plane trip either, which will stop in taipei, and then in Hong Kong, and then somewhere in the middle of nowhere in China, with nice big chunks of lay over that are just short enough in which we can't go out of the airport. Oh well. That means more time to read and review all my forgotten chinese vocabulary.

This will be an interesting trip because it's a trip with all chinese people and a lot of young people. Usually families don't let their kids go to an awesome place like China when they're so young (we have junior highers and high schoolers coming with me). However, there's a fair share of "parent chaperones" going too. Don't worry, I have nothing against them hahaha. They're pretty funny parents- the type of parents that are funny to everyone else except their kids, so it's pretty fun to watch the family element in this team.

I found out today that there are going to be a lot more kids taking English than expected. This consequently lead to certain events in which I am in charge of all the advanced English groups and their curriculum. This is the exciting part of this trip- last minute changes. They're not bad, they're just hard to plan ahead for. So I'm going to be digging into my closet for the old curriculum I used on my first trip teaching english in China, because there is no solid curriculum planned for the English teaching class, save for some games to excersize English and showing American movies. I'm also going to be teaching guitar with Josh. and maybe help with teaching keyboard with denise. There's a lot more on my plate than I expected.

That brings this entry to myself (sorry for my selfishness). I really have not been feeling ready. I came out of the school year with a lot of emotional baggage. mr. G. seemed to just go and dig out a lot of crap in my life and told me to face it instead of run away from the stuff. It wasn't fun, and in some ways left me not trusting mr. G on some stuff anymore. Anyways, i've been trying to regain that trust this summer, but it's mostly been unsuccessful. I feel like this baggage just won't come off of me. I wish I could just be finished with that stuff. But it won't. In other words, i've been feeling like crap lately. However, as my good friend paulo once said when he got a thorn stuck in his foot or something: "his strength is made perfect in my weakness (okay that sentence sounds real lame).

Anyways, usually i go to China with visions of grandeur and wanting to see change or whatever. This time, it's not that those visions and dreams are gone, but I just feel distracted and distant from them. i really need you guys to talk to dad about that for me and that I can serve cheerfully and wholeheartedly without being distracted.

However, my heart continues to break for the kids. my family got a letter from a friend who's already there already, and nobody sees these kids as useful for anything in society. He was talking to a taxi driver and the taxi driver didn't see the use in working at an orphanage. These kids are on the brink of society there- the outcasts. We saw a slideshow of the kids- a lot of them are handicapped. The pictures were real powerful. I can't wait to meet them. I'm finally starting to anticipate going.

Somebody said something profound today at the meeting today- it went somewhere along the lines of this: Yes, we can have awesome programs and activities planned. But we cannot forget that we are going to love these kids.

I'll have to keep that in mind.

Dad, help me to love these kids. I really don't know how I can give love to these kids when I feel so broken and unable to do anything. I feel overwhelmed with distraction and inadequecy. But you always used broken people to help other broken people all through those stories you told me. Help me to trust you.