-whelmed.

Been in Shanghai for the past few days. Had very limited internet access there. So blogging was not possible. So i resorted to... writing? here's a page:


Written on Nanjing Lu, Shanghai

Merry Christmas from the Motherland.

I call him... Asian Clause

Self Inflicted Blindness

the beggar on the street. His chattering from the cold rustled his blanket made of plastic bags violently.

Sometimes I don't know what to think of poverty in Chinese cities. It is (or was) true that a lot of the beggars are actually richer than some people that actually work- they make more money begging than others who actually have jobs. I've seen some of the beggars get huge bills and then put them in a special pocket away from their main begging bowl so that they can hide the big bills and receive more pity from people (who would want to give to somebody who already has bills overflowing in his begging cup?)

But sometimes I wonder how far the show can go. They do a pretty good job at breaking my heart. But then I am forced to keep walking.

I try to never look them in the eye. And in doing that, I make them less human. I successfully dehumanize each time I walk by a beggar... the one shivering in plastic bags, the one with no legs, the blind one, the shivering mother with her child in her lap as she desperately bows her head to each passerby.

I was complaining earlier that in Beijing I hardly see any beggars. Perhaps I am no different from the government- even if they didn't hide the beggars, I would hide from them in my mind and consciousness... more than consciousness... my conscience?

But are they just using my conscience to make money? Should I really care if they are just trying to make money off of me?

Lost

It's been 8 or 9 years since i've last been in Beijing. It is so different now. I don't understand it.

i was looking for a touristy market and ended up in some rich district of beijing where all the rich people live. It was empty. Lifeless. disturbingly sanitary. It was interesting how easy it was to find a starbucks (which has free wireless in China).

I once said that China was in a unique window of time in between the openness of its society and the settling of society into the selfish makings of capitalist society. I think that window of oppurtunity is closed. It's really hard to articulate, but the feeling is there.

The consumerism... okay, so I know- consumerism isn't all bad. I've struggled with this a lot. But honestly, even though I am the product and imposer of a consumer system (for example, I am sitting at a starbucks right now, enjoying free internet on my apple computer), I hate how it can change people or a place.

This isn't the Beijing I knew. But I guess I can't stop change and the insatiable desire of all Asian societies to be more like the west. Affluence is the goal, and it is somehow the betterment of society to achieve affluence.

But i can't help but think about all the people made invisible in China. Where are all the beggars? The handicapped that I once saw squatting in the subways all the time? Even the common workers seem to be invisible and unseen. I don't think Beijing has solved its poverty problem. I think it has just hidden it. Hiding it for some utopian dream of what the Olympics will do to make them matter in the world.

I feel disconcerted. The China I knew is gone. The most disturbing of disturbing feelings that I have right now is this: I don't feel like I have left America.

Arrival

After a long flight and 4 movies, we have touched down in Beijing and have eaten hot pot and are about to fall asleep in exhaustion. Hopefully i will have a good stomach.

2 long years

2 long years since I have last been to China. In some ways, my vision has changed for China, but in many ways, the passions remain. My career is totally irrelevant to China these days... well... maybe not totally irrelevant. I am in contact with several international students from China now due to my job. I'm sure my passion for China and my passion for college students will somehow fit together someday. But for now, I shouldn't let myself get distracted from the present. (but really, i'm easily distracted...)

This is the first time I am going to China not doing Dad's business for a long time. Our priorities (in order) are:

1. food
2. drink
3. shop

But I can't help but think there are other reasons I will be in my motherland that just haven't presented themselves to me. I really want to have a break from Dad's business... it is now my job- but at the same time- who really gets a break? Dad surely doesn't go on vacation at all. We'll have to see how this all pans out.

But 2 long years...

I do miss the smell. I miss the language. I miss looking like everyone around me. I miss realizing I'm a dumb american. I miss the joys of finding a food stand that I like that I keep returning to. I miss...

I miss the people too. That's actually what I miss the most. But it's not the same because I won't see the same people again. One day I hope to return to LSV. One day I'll be able to see the kids again, except grown up. One day...

You know, I'm visiting all the metropolitan sites of China... but there really is nothing like the country side and hanging out with real people, not just tourism showcases.

Anyhow... I'm not sure what to expect... actually, truthfully I am scared to expect anything. One thing I know I can expect is cold weather. and that's it. However, I really want to enjoy this vacation. man. vacation is so complicated in my head sometimes. I just need to relax, but i'm scared my heart won't let me. i come back from china with a broken heart each time. This country breaks my heart.

Well, the plan will be:

18th-21st: Beijing
21st-26th: Qingdao
26th-30th: Shanghai
31st: Magically reappear back in the states with a new haircut, wardrobe, presents, a few pounds gained from eating, a few pounds lost from food poisoning and a well-practiced ability to speak mandarin