first homesick, now sick of home.

sigh.


I keep getting memory flashes of China, LSV...

it was only 11 days since i last saw them. it seems the only thing i can really hold a conversation with is anything to do with china and/or postmodernism. it's pretty sorry. i feel like a freaking nerd. i can't even seem to come up with any lame daniel puns. I don't feel like i should have left. it feels so crappy to go back into american life. i honestly can't stand it sometimes. a lot of times, i find myself caught up in this american anesthesia, and slap myself in hopes that i would never allow it to keep its drowsy spell. i actually understand when i hear people speak mandarin now... it's really weird.

sometimes i see the kids faces, and i just feel like finding a room to be by myself and just cry out for them- not out of pity, but out of anger and frustration that i am not able to get them out of their situations. and all i can do about it is talk about it. maybe donate more money. i looked back at my journal recently and found an entry during the trip that said, "talk is silence, and action is a megaphone; money is cheap, and action is priceless". what's the use of high ideals in a journal if they are not practiced...

and here i am in the ucsd. i'm supposed to focus on housing issues, iv prayer team, classes, bus training... they feel ridiculously distant all the time, but slowly drawing nearer to me as my mind forgets china. i don't want to forget. but i don't want to live in the past. how do i let the past affect my present?

anyways, maybe i need to talk more about it... maybe i should look over my final thoughts on china that i had and make something out of it... although it didn't feel very final at all. it felt like the beginning of a movie that ended right after the the main character was introduced.

well, i would love to talk about it with anybody. please call me if you want to hear. and don't accept 'it was good' or 'it was chinese' as an answer to the question on how china was. i do that too much.

and that's it. this entry is way too long and i have a lot of gas that the rest of the people in sun god lounge are bound to start noticing.