longings

I wish i could stay here longer. It's winding down to the last few days. We're already in "exit mode". I wish i had longer to be with the kids and hang out with auntie lillian. oi.

anyways... just random thoughts...

My chinese has unfortunately not gotten better hahaha. Guanxi is an interesting place, linguistically. In Nanning, they speak both cantonese and Mandarin. This doesn't even account for the area's native dialect, zhuang. Anyways, it has made my "cantarin" much better, but has destroyed any sense of cantonese or mandarin. It's kind of created this pseudo pidgin/creole deal. It's kinda like what they talked about in communications- the "mestiza conciousness" or the borderland conciousness. It's gotten me thinking a lot about globalization. It think it's kind of how i've come to terms with post-modernism: It has its positives and negatives and it's no use fighting it because it's already here. It's more about what to do in the present situation of globalization than fighting it. It's here, and it's here to stay. Anyways... that rant there went a little tangented. The bottom line is that I don't feel my language getting better. It's also because there are team members that are fluent and will immediately translate for me when i could be practicing. I need to just go to china myself one day without any help.

It's made me think about taking chinese a third year next quarter. It's actually something i'd like to do, but I feel like i keep falling behind and I keep getting busier with comm major stuff and with outside stuff. Anyways, we'll see what happens. Maybe i'll magically appear in class one day. And if not, I need to find a way to keep practicing my chinese. Maybe keep a chinese journal or something. We'll see. Anything to keep me on track with my language. and to make me stop making up tones. hahahaha.

Been thinking a lot about going back to san diego next year. Thinking about p-team next year at 1V, and pondering on some bad flops i made near the end of the year. I think this trip has started to put me back on the right track- stopping my worrying and just trusting. I feel like my closeness to mr. omnipitent is returning.

today, dad in the sky told me he was right there with me, and he never left me. I just stopped paying attention to him. Had some reminders of my bitterness towards him, my anger towards him... i'm still trying to work it all out. It's all a process.


auntie lillian made a half idea half offer to help start a music school in Nanning while i was painting her office today. That'd be pretty fun. But it was just an idea. She has a lot of good ideas hahaha. She also kinda took back the offer because she said i probably shouldn't do it at my age yet- i still need a community around me. And that was pretty cool.

with auntie lillian, I've learned over the years how it is- the first part of doing something with her is always testing your submission and everything. It makes you want to rebel, be bitter, or whatever. What makes doing things under her rewarding is enduring that first part. Once you get used to it, you realize she does everything for a good reason. You also realize she genuinely cares for you. And then you realize she's pretty cool, and that's just her style of leadership.

anyways, i'm just wasting time. it's nap time, and i can't sleep, so i'm writing an unnecessarily long entry in this blog. bye bye.