two days before i go to the motherland.

it's about 2 days from me leaving to China, and i feel dreadfully unprepared.

Our team had our last meeting today. There's about 20-30 of us going split into two teams that go at different times. I'm on the first one, and there's about 15 people in my team. We are going to an orphanage. We will all be teaching English there, along with art, music, and games.

The humidity is crazy there, and everyone is having a panic attack over mosquitos. It's quite funny watching the meeting. There are moms handing out herbal mosquito repellent from Hong Kong and recommendations on where to get 100% deet, although it only goes up to 98.75 or some ridiculous number like that. Not too excited about the plane trip either, which will stop in taipei, and then in Hong Kong, and then somewhere in the middle of nowhere in China, with nice big chunks of lay over that are just short enough in which we can't go out of the airport. Oh well. That means more time to read and review all my forgotten chinese vocabulary.

This will be an interesting trip because it's a trip with all chinese people and a lot of young people. Usually families don't let their kids go to an awesome place like China when they're so young (we have junior highers and high schoolers coming with me). However, there's a fair share of "parent chaperones" going too. Don't worry, I have nothing against them hahaha. They're pretty funny parents- the type of parents that are funny to everyone else except their kids, so it's pretty fun to watch the family element in this team.

I found out today that there are going to be a lot more kids taking English than expected. This consequently lead to certain events in which I am in charge of all the advanced English groups and their curriculum. This is the exciting part of this trip- last minute changes. They're not bad, they're just hard to plan ahead for. So I'm going to be digging into my closet for the old curriculum I used on my first trip teaching english in China, because there is no solid curriculum planned for the English teaching class, save for some games to excersize English and showing American movies. I'm also going to be teaching guitar with Josh. and maybe help with teaching keyboard with denise. There's a lot more on my plate than I expected.

That brings this entry to myself (sorry for my selfishness). I really have not been feeling ready. I came out of the school year with a lot of emotional baggage. mr. G. seemed to just go and dig out a lot of crap in my life and told me to face it instead of run away from the stuff. It wasn't fun, and in some ways left me not trusting mr. G on some stuff anymore. Anyways, i've been trying to regain that trust this summer, but it's mostly been unsuccessful. I feel like this baggage just won't come off of me. I wish I could just be finished with that stuff. But it won't. In other words, i've been feeling like crap lately. However, as my good friend paulo once said when he got a thorn stuck in his foot or something: "his strength is made perfect in my weakness (okay that sentence sounds real lame).

Anyways, usually i go to China with visions of grandeur and wanting to see change or whatever. This time, it's not that those visions and dreams are gone, but I just feel distracted and distant from them. i really need you guys to talk to dad about that for me and that I can serve cheerfully and wholeheartedly without being distracted.

However, my heart continues to break for the kids. my family got a letter from a friend who's already there already, and nobody sees these kids as useful for anything in society. He was talking to a taxi driver and the taxi driver didn't see the use in working at an orphanage. These kids are on the brink of society there- the outcasts. We saw a slideshow of the kids- a lot of them are handicapped. The pictures were real powerful. I can't wait to meet them. I'm finally starting to anticipate going.

Somebody said something profound today at the meeting today- it went somewhere along the lines of this: Yes, we can have awesome programs and activities planned. But we cannot forget that we are going to love these kids.

I'll have to keep that in mind.

Dad, help me to love these kids. I really don't know how I can give love to these kids when I feel so broken and unable to do anything. I feel overwhelmed with distraction and inadequecy. But you always used broken people to help other broken people all through those stories you told me. Help me to trust you.